Help me rephrase a poem

[Errhile]

As you can see, I use one of Omar Khayyam's Rubayyat (quartrains) as my signature. It is the English translation, by R. Fitzgerald I guess (he's known for running the original translations of many of the Rubayyat, but not necessarily most faithful... and definitely not my favourite).

This particular one is among my favourite quartrains by Khayyam, but I can barely stand the Fitzgerald version (I met these first in the Polish translation of Andrzej Gawroński, considered to be excellent). I'd love to rephrase it in English for future use as signature text here. However, my English isn't good enough to make me belive I could deal with poetry well enough - that's why I'm asking your assistance.

Fitzgerald's version, for reference:

They say there will be Heaven and the Fount of Kausar(1)
That there, there will be pure wine and honey and sugar
Fill up the wine cup and place it in my hand
(For) ready cash is better than a thousand credits.

Gawroński's version in Polish (as I remember it):

Ponoś(2) będzie Raj, a w Raju Kousar i huryski
Rzeki wina, strugi mleka, miodne wodotryski
Ponos będzie... ejże, chłopcze, podaj czarę
Lepszy dziś grosz, niż jutro tysięczne zyski.

with my rough translation:
Supposedly there will be Heaven, and in Heaven - Kausar and the houris
Rivers of vine, streams of milk, fountains of honey (3)
Supposedly... hey, lad, hand over the cup
a penny(4) today is better, than thousandfold gain tomorrow.

(1) heavenly river with riverbed of pearls and gemstones.
(2) "supposedly / it is said / the word is", an archaic word is used here, and not equivalent to the English "They say" in Fitzgerald's version.
(3) or mead, Polish version could mean either of these - but as a symbol of abundance, honey fits better.
(4) Gawroński uses Polish "grosz", but essentially the meaning is the same - "smallest coin of neglible value".

Also, lines 1,2 and 4 do rhyme together in (almost all) Gawroński's translations, so I assume it was so in Khayyam's original Rubayyat.

[MarcoSkoll]

Also, lines 1,2 and 4 do rhyme together in (almost all) Gawroński's translations, so I assume it was so in Khayyam's original Rubayyat.

I think I've dug up the original Persian and a Romanisation of the quatrain (which is a bit tough, apparently this one doesn't make it into many of the collections):

گویند بهشت و حوض کوثر باشد
آنجا می ناب و شهد و سکّر باشد
پر کن قدح باده و بر دست[م] نه
نقدی ز هزار نسیه بهتر باشد

guyand behesht o hawz-e kawsar baashad
aanjaa may-e naab o shahd o shakkar baashad
por kon qadah-e baade wo bar dast[am] neh
naqdi ze hazaar nasye behtar baashad

And it does rhyme in AABA format, but it's basically because the grammar ends all the sentences with باشد or "baashad" (remembering that sentences read right-to-left in the original Persian script) - basically, "to be" or "is".

I'm not a brilliant poet, but I'll see if I can think of anything.

[MarcoSkoll]

Initial attempt:

It is said there is heaven, and therein Kawthar
Vast mountains of sugar and fountains of nectar
But fill up my wine cup and place it in my hand
For today's penny beats a thousand in future

The poetic metre here is next to non-existent; I haven't decided whether it'd be better to use an English or Persian poetic metre, so I've just tidied everything up to 12 syllables per line for the moment and dropped in rhymes (or half-rhymes) to an AABA pattern.